MbigüIty

The Night from Old to New

2009-01-01T16:30:00.000+08:00

Wheels turn in an interminable bend
A new start has come, even though it hasn’t been an end.

It’s another year, another chance
to start our lives anew.

This year we will leap old barriers
And have a real breakthrough.

So people all gather around and cheer
To celebrate and will that this year will be better.

Let us all wipe the slate clean
Tear down the reminder of the past.

We contemplate what brought us joy
Soon all scarred memories will depart.

It’s the night from old to new,
Let’s take one little step, and then one more.

The colors will be colorful
And then you’ll see shooting stars riding across the moon.

It’s 2009 people! So remember to write a 9 instead of an 8. *smirks* And I know how we always start the year with the strongest intention on fulfilling our New Year resolutions, so I am going to wish everyone good luck with their goals, stay healthy and less whiny. Pass the love around!

This Tag...Thing from Sam

2009-01-01T16:04:00.003+08:00

Okay I got tagged. *silence* Sam you know this is my first time? *frantic*

Rules : -
1) This tag is only for girls, no boys!
2) Be honest!
3) It must be true!
4) There must be only one answer, unless there is a 'more than one answer'.
5) Must tag ten peeps! <----this is the rule I intend to break :P
6) No tagging back!

Personal : -
1) What is your favorite color?
Answer : Black White Silver Gold. yeaaaaaah

2) What is your favorite food?
Answer : Pizza

3) What is your favorite drink?
Answer : Ice Lemon Tea

Guys : -
1) What kind of guy do you prefer? ( More than one answer )
Answer : My guy

2) How you want your crush to confess to you? ( More than one answer )
Answer : the look-into-my-eyes-deeply-thing. lol. If my heart goes beating crazy and I'm holding my breath then you are doing it right bebeh!

3) What do you want your boyfriend to give you during Valentine's Day?
Answer : shhhhh. well, he doesn't read my blog so don't bother :P haha

Chapter 12 (C): Complications

2008-12-23T14:36:00.005+08:00

Author's Note: Hello people! I'm so glad that some of you still love reading my stories. Thanks for all the encouragement. It really means a lot. Many thanks to Audrey and Josiah, for being super enthusiastic; Shuba for constantly trying to snag MY Edward :P, and Jeff for my inspiration. *grins* This chapter is...not really easy to write. I've got to make up a lot of parts. Please let me know what you think. I'm a little afraid that my Edward will be a tad bit out of character. But worrying about Bella and thinking too much seemed to be his thing, right? haha...enjoy!

P/S: if you have not read Stephenie's chapters on Midnight Sun, you can get it from her official website here. The direct link to download the pdf file, click here. Her books are awesome! Go get it!

DISCLAIMER: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by Stephenie Meyer, various publishers including but not limited to Little, Brown and Company, Time Warner Book Group, and Summit. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

The sun rises soon after, and I’ve ran back to get my Volvo. My mind has never been more resolved. It’s another day, but what makes it special was I was going to spend it with Bella. As Chief Swan drove off to work, I swerved and parked my car in front of her porch.

When she stepped out of the house, all I could do to not stare at her was to focus my gaze on the cracks on the tree trunk outside her house.

Easy, Edward Cullen. I took a deep clean breath.

Once the passenger door was open, I greeted her. “Good morning. How are you today?” Knowing she didn’t have a dreamless night, I’d just like to hope that she will unknowingly leave hints about her dreams. About me.

“Good, thank you,” she smiled.

I noticed the circles under her eyes. It may sound a little ridiculous, but I was irritated with the Edward she was dreaming about. What had he done to my Bella? “You look tired,” I said pointedly.

“I couldn’t sleep,” she swung her thick chocolate mane around her shoulder. A gesture she tends to do when she is nervous from my perceptivity. Her scent swirled in the car. My throat itched painfully. But I appreciate it anyhow. It reminds me to be careful with her.

Wanting to lighten up the mood, “Neither could I,” I smirked.

She looked at me, “I guess that’s right. I suppose I slept just a little bit more than you did,” she relaxed.

“I’d wager you did,” on second thought, if only vampires could sleep. It would be nice to have her in my dreams.

“So what did you do last night?” she asked casually, looking out of the window.

I chuckled. If only she knew. She has this knack of asking questions that sound downright innocent but the answers will certainly give everything away. I'm sure the idea of someone enjoys watching her sleep every night will not be well received under any circumstances.

It’s time to turn it around. “Not a chance. It’s my day to ask questions.”

“Oh, that’s right. What do you want to know?” her forehead creased. I wonder why she was frowning. It shouldn’t be much of a surprise though. Who wouldn’t worry when you have a vampire getting ready to assault you with whole list of personal questions? I paused in my tracks. Will it be a little intimidating to pry at her this way? What if I asked questions that she didn’t want to reveal? I couldn’t be sure that I will not push for answers.

I shrugged. Being a vampire for good ten decades without a partner did not do any good to communication skills let alone with the girl you are interested in. Curiosity took over. I suppose if I'm being serious enough then it wouldn’t seem as though I'm poking fun at her.

Let’s start with something fundamental, I thought.

“What’s your favorite color?” I questioned, keeping a serious face.

“It changes from day to day,” she rolled her eyes.

Interesting. “Then what’s your favorite color today?”

She cocked her head to the left as she answered, “Probably brown.”

I snorted. “Brown?” That’s not something I expected. What happened to red, green, yellow, black, white…blue perhaps? She looked adorable in blue the other night, I added mentally.

“Sure. Brown is warm. I miss brown. Everything that’s supposed to be brown—tree trunks, rocks, dirt—is all covered up with squashy green stuff here,” she ranted with the little furrow on her forehead, very irritated.

I wanted to laugh. What do guys nowadays call that? Cute, if I'm not mistaken. Very fascinating, I chuckled inwardly.

Be serious.

“You’re right,” I straightened my face. “Brown is warm.” I said as I looked at her, noticing her hair flowed over her shoulder, hiding half of her face. I reached over and brushed her hair back. I wanted to get a glance at her eyes, the only way for me to decipher her thoughts. They were warm and melting brown. How befitting.

I rounded a corner and pulled into an empty parking lot. I remembered something that I was so close to finding the answer last night. Swallowing the guilt of checking her personal belongings, I asked, “What music is in your CD player right now?” She only listens to that particular CD I noticed. Always the same empty jewel case.

“Muse.”

She never ceases to amaze me. She reads classics! With…Muse? I smirked and reached towards my CD compartment pulling out a CD that I knew she would recognize. “Debussy to this?”

She looked at the case with surprise she tried to hide. While doing so, she blushed. I’ve grew to love that tint of pink on her pale cheek, feeling her face getting warmer, intensifying her scent in the car. Making sure no one is in the parking area, I held the car door open for her in a flash.

“If you were given a chance to have a free plane ticket, where would you want to go?”

“Paris, probably,” she shrugged.

“France?” I cocked an eyebrow. “Because it’s romantic?” That has got to be the reason.

Bella rolled her eyes. “Seriously, males got some grudges on being romantic or what?”

“Not really. I was just making assumptions, Bella. Hold on to your attack,” she can be so judgmental at times.

“Charlie hates romance,” she grinned. “Well, anyway it wasn’t because it’s romantic,” she rolled her eyes again, imitating my tone. “Paris is the City of Lights. It has got to be beautiful at night. It will be like stars on a clear night. I like stars,” she paused. “Well, not much can be seen around here, I realized,” she mumbled.

“Paris is not really that far away, actually. It can be arranged easily,” I nodded to myself.

Bella raised her eyebrow skeptically as she stopped at the edge of the cafeteria, “Why am I getting a feeling that you are thinking of getting me plane tickets as a gift?”

Amused, I stopped beside her and inched closer to look into her eyes. “So, you don’t like gifts? Can’t I get you a gift?”

Her heartbeat fluttered as her eyes dazed. Moments soon she snapped out of it, “Edward!”

I love the way she said my name, even though she was angry.

“You are suggesting on sending me to Paris! A plane ticket is not exactly a gift. I mean, you can’t…I can’t…how could I possibly explain it to Charlie? Think about it!” she breathed, with her cheeks flushed again.

Enjoying her edginess, I thought of pushing my luck. “What about I need you to accompany me to Paris? It will be boring to go alone. I love lights too,” I laughed.

Bella opened her mouth about to voice her objection and then she closed it without so much of a word. I managed to catch a twitch of smile at her lips before she walked towards her English classroom.

It continued like that for the rest of the day as I walked her to English and I went for my Spanish class with Emmett. Waiting for her outside of her classroom for lunch, voices filled my head as students walked pass me.

He’s always here when the class ends. Ugh, creep.

Oh, Edward Cullen.

God I need something more than sandwiches! Mince pie maybe. Tuna!

Literature homework, Biology report, basketball practice, picks up laundry...

And then I sorted out Angela Weber’s thoughts. Ben was so interested, I think. He’s such a nice person. I didn’t expect him to talk to me. Bella told me to ask him out. Should I do that? Bella looks so radiant today. I'm glad she’s happy…oh, math quiz in two hours!

Being able to help Angela was my little gratitude for her for always being such a nice person especially around Bella. Bella was happy? Because of me?

“Hey,” Bella’s voice was something I can never miss despite the noise.

“Hungry?” I smiled, happy to see her again even it was just an hour break.

“Sort of.”

We grabbed some food from the cafeteria and sat down at our usual empty table.

“So, what is your favorite book?” I asked after giving her a few moments to chew with her celery.

“Lots of them. Romeo and Juliet, I think.”

“That’s a play,” I pointed out.

She shrugged, while reaching out for a slice of pizza, “It’s literature, and it is beautiful.”

“They died,” I replied dryly. Romance stories have to have tragic endings to be remembered. And I bet the direction I’m heading with Bella has pretty much the same degree of calamity.

She stopped chewing momentarily. Looking up to meet my eyes, she said, “Yes they did. But they died loving each other. The path of true love never runs smooth.”

I felt my heart twitched, if it is even possible. Bella’s right. The path of true love never runs smooth, I recited. The way she said it, looking into my eyes, I don’t know what she meant. It has never been more frustrating—being able to read everybody else’s thoughts but the one and only person that I really wanted to, I couldn’t. Does she see us as true love? If she does, does she know the trouble awaiting her in the future with me being part of it? I shuddered to think. The way she interpret things, I'm sure as hell she doesn’t care even if she knows what she’s getting into.

Silly girl, I thought. I couldn’t tear my gaze off her. How much more endearing she could be?

“Edward?” she breathed. “Don’t do that,” she said in a low voice, setting down the unfinished pizza while carefully avoiding my eyes.

I was clueless for a brief second, “Do what?”

“Staring at me,” she blushed an adorable shade. “Not entirely a very comfortable—one-way exchange to sit through, if you must know.”

I chuckled, I tend to tense and stay very still when I'm thinking. Needless to say I forgot that at the same time I was staring at her. “My apologies, Bella. You could have made it a two-ways exchange to avoid awkwardness,” I laughed, sometimes I couldn’t help but to tease her. Her indignant self has always been very amusing.

“Well,” she stuttered, “That…wasn’t awkward…you—” she closed her mouth midway, glaring at me. “Don’t do that too!”

“What did I do wrong now?” barely holding back my snickers, I was wondering what made her stuttered. Nevertheless, I’m still very amused.

“Flirting!”

My snickers turned into laughs.

“Oh shut up, Edward.”

“First I can’t give you gifts. And then I was told I'm not supposed to stare and flirt. Now I'm not allowed to talk too?”

She grabbed her slice of pizza and chewed a little too hardly, mumbling under her breath, “Male…vampires.”

I smirked. “Let’s start from where we sidetracked, shall we?”

She glared.

“So what is your favorite animal?”

“Dog.”

“Favorite cake?”

“Vanilla,” she answered. A random thought popped in my head. Her scent has a tinge of vanilla…and jasmine, I suppose. Lavender?

“Favorite fast food?”

“McDonalds. Double cheese burger.”

“Shopping?”

“Not much.”

“Christmas?”

“Yeah.”

“Beach? Sunny…desert?”

“Used to.”

“Used to?” I cocked my eyebrow. I remembered her telling Jessica she missed beaches.

“I kind of like it here,” Bella replied. “Forks.”

“I thought you hated rain,” I stated. That was one of the few things she told me about when we had our first conversation.

“Still hate it pretty much,” she smiled. “There is something more here.”

“Charlie?”

She nodded. “Believe me he can’t cook for nuts.”

“Favorite gemstone?”

“Topaz.”

I wondered. “Why?”

She quickly averted her eyes to the window and flickered back to me and finally ended on the plate. “Because—topaz is pretty.”

I scoffed, “Bella, lie harder. You’re not trying.”

“It’s the birth stone of November!” she insisted indignantly.

“Alright alright,” I held up my palms. “Tell me then, why?”

With a sour tone she answered, “I told you.”

What was there to hide about her favorite gemstone? It wasn’t like I hadn’t asked her more personal questions before. “Tell me,” I commanded, frustrated that she kept her eyes away from me.

Finally, she loosened up. “It’s the color of your eyes today,” she sighed. “I suppose if you asked me in two weeks I’d say onyx.”

I went still for a moment. My eyes? That’s certainly something new. If so she will notice if I have been hunting. Why wouldn’t she? My heart sunk. She was looking down at her hands on her lap. I can hear her heart beating faster. Was she embarrassed or nervous? Either way, I have no rights to feel upset about it. I have long accepted what I have become. Fluorescence eyes.

Tearing my mind off the matter, I decided not to ruin the day.

“What kinds of flower do you prefer?”

She sighed in relief and smiled. “Lavender.”

* * * * * * * * * *

We continued the day to Biology. I can hear Mr. Banner’s thoughts before he entered the room with the audiovisual cart— biology documentation again. As the teacher approached the light switch, I slide my chair slightly farther away from Bella as casually as I could.

The previous Biology period was a mistake. I let myself sat close to her and the electricity hummed between us was enough to charge the whole room. Being that close to her only made me want to be closer still. The pull grows stronger as I got closer, and my own thoughts of warning shrieked louder in my head. Knowing I have failed controlling myself miserably the other day, I have promised myself that I would savor the memory and keep an appropriate distance. With me she is far more precious and fragile than she already is.

At the corner of my eyes I saw her leaned forward on the table, resting her chin on her folded arms. She balled her fist. The same posture she held. She was too, restraining from physical contacts with me.

I forcefully tore my eyes from her. It has got to stop here. With superb tactile sense does not mean I wouldn’t hurt her. I am danger spelt literally. The closer I get, the attraction and temptation grew in force. A teenage boy probably will annotate it as raging hormones, or physical attraction. But for me, it was much more intricate.

Not once during the whole hour did she look at me. Her eyes stayed fixed on the television but her body stayed tense and rigid throughout the whole video. What wouldn’t I give up for her thoughts right now. All the questions I have been asking her had barely scratched the surface of her character. It was so perplexing. For one moment I could be the happiest man on earth knowing she returns my feelings for her and for another moment I am totally tormented with her fate. With me. Bella was like a soap bubble—fragile and ephemeral. Temporary.

She will be one of us someday, Edward. When the image flashed you were there and you saw it. Alice’s voice ringed in my head. I wouldn’t want to transform her. I wouldn’t want to be the one who takes everything away from her.

But how else would I live if I were to leave her? I could leave silently, allow her to age and live like any other normal human would. It is nature. It is only natural. But her funeral will be the day I leave too. To where she will be going.

The lights flickered on. “Your reports are to be handed in by next week completed with diagrams. Alright off you go!” Mr. Banner dismissed the class as Bella finally stole a glance at me. She looked worried. Can she see the pain on my face?

I rose in silence and waited for her to pack her things. For the first time of the day we walked silently to her gym class. I peeked at her from the corner of my eye. How long would she be with me like this? It was never going to be the same for the rest of her life—within my arms reach.

I allowed myself one selfish moment. I raised my hand and gently stroked her face. I don’t want to lose you, Bella, I whispered inside.

90 years I lived, and none have filled the hidden void inside me, stinging within. Eating me inside out—the loneliness. Feeling helpless that I couldn’t die.

Seconds ticked by, I searched her eyes. I waited for a sign of assurance. Maybe a tilt of the head towards my hand or a smile would do. If she wants me to stay I will. If she wants me to leave, I would too. Right from the start, it’s all about her.

And then I felt her cheeks warming against my cold skin. She gave me a blush instead. She bit her lower lip and looked down. Let me see those eyes. Tell me what you’re thinking Bella. I silently pleaded. I moved my hand to cup her chin. Within fraction of seconds I stopped and retrieved my hand. I sighed. Enough.

Without saying a word, I forced myself to turn and walked away.

Chapter 12 (B): Complications

2008-12-18T15:33:00.012+08:00

Author's Note: This will be my version of the remaining discontinued chapters of the Midnight Sun. This chapter will be continued from where Stephenie Meyer had left it. I know its a little too long, so I'm trying to keep it as short as possible. My continuation of Chapter 12 will be separated into two parts. Last part will be uploaded within this week. Second attempt on fanfiction, I hope I'm doing it right...hehe. Read and review? :D

P/S: if you have not read Stephenie's chapters on Midnight Sun, you can get it from her official website here. The direct link to download the pdf file, click here. Her books are awesome! Go get it!

Chapter 12

Complications

...........Alice’s vision during lunch flashed as I was leaving Bella’s house. My hands tightened around the stereng, eyes filled with anxiety and fury.

...........The meadow.

...........I replayed the last scene Alice shown me. A bright circle of sunlight casts an almost shimmery glow around the meadow. The one and only quiet place where I could count on being alone, safe and free from clouding thoughts of others. But this time, Bella was with me. Too close to be comfortable. She lay underneath me with her eyes closed, my lips hovered at her jaw, an almost foreign desire so pronounced in my face—

...........I rammed the break sending the tires screeching to an abrupt halt as though stopping the car would stop the vision from overpowering my senses. I was panting hard. That vision, it can go two ways. Was that why Alice was in tension and horror when she had the vision? Was I going to end her life there, when all I wanted to do was to show her my personal hideout? Have I disappointed everyone who had faith in me, seeing me as Bella’s unlikely protector? Or, was it something…else?

...........Like a tacky, tattered blanket, a cloud of despair smothered me. Disgust for myself burning like a fire without warmth. I’ve betrayed her trust. Saturday was the day I was going to kill her.

...........No.

...........Tires screeching again, this time reaching towards the white marble house in the forest.

...........“Alice!” as I left my car at the porch, fuming at myself, I look for the only person who can decipher the vision right.

...........Alice appeared right at the bottom of the stairs, grinning.

...........“Alice, explain. Saturday.”

...........Can I talk to her yet? Come on, Edward!

...........“What was that you saw at the café Alice? At the meadow, was I going to kill her?” I gritted my teeth at the last few words.

...........Alice’s grin faltered, her eyes searched for mine. “Is that what the vision mean?”

...........Various pairs of eyes rested on me. Rosalie and Emmett stopped in the middle of their conversation and Esme froze beside the vase of flower she was arranging. Alice took a step forward. “Why did you think so?”

...........“Because right from the start, I didn’t deserve the confidence pledged in me,” I replied bitterly.

...........Should have gotten it over and done with. Rosalie huffed in her thoughts, knowing well that I would hear her.

...........Esme rested her hands on my shoulders. She sighed. “Edward, it is probably not what it seemed to be.”

I turned to her, seeing the pain in my eyes reflected in hers. I wanted to believe her. But I should have known better, “Not what it seemed to be? Do I want to take that risk?”

...........“Edward,” Alice whispered. Esme is right. I didn’t think that you were going to kill her when I saw that vision. I was horrified at first, and then—I realized something.

...........I looked at Alice, ignoring the slight twinge of hope warming my chest. “What?”

...........She gave me a faint smile. I thought you were going to get your first kiss.

...........That thought held my despair at bay for a moment. Could that be?

...........Esme squeezed my shoulder gently, “The sensation of doubt seems to always play the same game, Edward. It's so quick to choose the news about terror that you fear will happen, than to be held steady by the love in the chest.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

It never cease to amaze me how this girl right in front of me, wrapped in her blanket, twitching in her sleep could affect my mood so easily. Calm and stillness is like a nature to us, and ever since her life intervened mine, her every smile, every step and every look created small ripples in my once hidden, mundane existence. I sat on her old rocking chair, pondering on the little confrontation with Alice hours ago.

I have always been so sure about myself. Every step of mine used to have a purpose and rational behind it. Used to, I scoffed silently. And here I am, right now, so blinded by love just like any other humans would. Day by day, my fight with the monster in me longing for her blood has not become any easier. However, the emotions and protectiveness I felt for her were so empowering.

And I want to know about her more. Everything. What does she do when she’s bored? What kind of songs she listen to when she is upset? What are the things that frustrate her? Being around her is like a whole new experience. Not being able to grasp her thoughts behind those beautiful brown eyes got me guessing all the time. Always worrying, always anxious.

I walked towards her study table. Papers scattered around her computer. Doodles. I smiled. Books were stacked neatly at another corner of the table, all classics. I drifted my fingers across the spines of the books while I observed the collection of CDs she had. Just like the first time I was here, the one on top was just a clear jewel case. When I was about to reach for her CD player, I heard her breath turned heavier.

With the little furrow between her eyebrows and her trembling lips, “Edward,” she whimpered. “Please, no.”

...........I tensed, staring at her unopened eyes. She moved restlessly again, rolling to her side. She’s dreaming about me, and voicing her rejection. What could I possibly be doing in her dreams? I felt my dead frozen heart break, she knew, finally. I should have known that she would realize some day, that she deserved better. Was she afraid in her dreams?

I let my eyes lingered on her face for a few moments, willing myself to never put her in the position she was in her dreams. I forced myself to look away, turning towards the window and pulling another breath of her scent into my lungs. The thirst in my throat burnt strong but it felt distant somehow. It didn’t matter anymore. I will keep my distance from now on.

Turning towards the window, as I launched myself towards the lawn, I was stopped dead in my track.

...........“Stay,” she sighed. “Don’t go. Please, Edward…don’t.”

...........My name. She wanted me to stay with her, there in her dreams. And I saw that little smile on her face. I struggled to identify the emotions soaring through me. I had no words strong enough to hold them. I stood for a long moment, staring at her, drowning in the sudden influx of emotions.

...........When I surfaced, I'm not the same man I had been. All this while I have been jumping into conclusions, making my life with her harder than it already is. Gazing into her unconscious face, I realized, I would do anything to keep that little contented smile on her face.

Next: Chapter 12(C): Complications >>

You know Edward will be spending the day with Bella. Questions, questions, questions.

So Close (John McLaughlin)

2008-01-23T01:51:00.001+08:00

You're in my arms
And all the world is gone
The music playing on
For only two
So close togehter

And when I'm with you
So close to feeling alive

A life goes by
Romantic dreams must die
So I bid mine goodbye
And never knew
So close was waiting
Waiting here with you
And now, forever, I know
All that I want is to hold you
So close

So close to reaching
That famous happy and
Almost believing
This one's not pretend
Now you're beside me
And look how far we've come
So far
We are
So close...

Oh, how could I face the faceless days
If I should lose you now?

We're so close to reaching
That famous happy end
Almost believing
This one's not pretend
Let's go on dreaming
Though we know we are
So close
So close, and still
So far...

Mood:

Lost

Swimming Trunk

2007-11-23T21:30:00.001+08:00

"Hey dude!! Fuckin' wear your trunk!"

"Jealous?"

.

The Starting of The Ending

2007-11-19T20:09:00.000+08:00

Hello everybody. Going well? Nice weather. Chocolate bar? This is Sue speaking. What? I sound weird?

Well yes I do =.= Finished one General paper today. It was…fine. Yes, fine. As in, fiiiiine. But heck, it’s just the starting of this examination and I feel so fucking fatigue. ><

And not to mention my normal routine of falling sick at the eve of every single examination. From the small monthly insignificant test, to midterm exams, finals, trials to major government examination. =.=

It is so goddamn annoying. You have to take medicine, and then when you want to do some last minute studies, you just can’t. Because you have to sleep due to the drowsiness caused by the tablets; but you can’t stop the medication, because it will get worse, and then will affect your upcoming papers! Fucked up. *sigh*

Tomorrow will be Physics Paper 1, and General Paper 2. Well, the only day with two papers. Scratch through tomorrow, I will feel better I suppose.

Today wasn’t entirely a bad day; it was all worthwhile when it comes to the afternoon XD

Ting ting!!! Gotta go! Screw tomorrow!!

*cackles madly and fades away*

Mood:

Unstable

Goodbye to You (Michelle Branch)

2007-11-17T01:02:00.000+08:00

A very beautiful song. The rhythm, the meaning of the lyrics.

Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said,

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right

And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time

And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star

Mood:

Uncertain

Another Just-to-preserve- my-sanity-from-major-exam-blog-post

2007-11-14T00:00:00.001+08:00

Wow. Nice title. *admires* =P

It’s been awhile since I last post an entry to this blog. Well, I don’t feel much philosophical right now, so this will be another not-so-formal-entry. :P Next week is my judgment day. I mean, judgment week. Or whatever you call it. Fuck STPM. Honestly, I can't take it anymore =.= this is fucking annoying. This will be the first time you guys seeing Sue screwing up in major examination. Mark my words. I know my own business. If I go all out, heck it wouldn’t make a difference. =.= okay it will. But not much. *silence* well, whatever.

Let’s move on to a more cheerful topic—ice cream!! Haha…yeah. Do not try to resist its charm! You know you want it! =P Baskin Robins…ahhhh. I just took one today. It forever tastes so friggin nice. Well, yes its fucking expensive, I know that. Two scopes it costs 15 bucks. That’s hell a lot for two scoops =.= but then again its worth it!! The texture of the ice cream, the way it melts slowly in your mouth, the way it pampers your taste buds…the cooling effect, the combination of amazing flavour…argh shit. I need ice cream now. *excuse me* XD

Okay I'm back. Nope. No ice cream. I ended up with chocolate from Russia that my dad bought when he went there for a dealer’s trip. But heck, bitter chocolate tastes so fine. *savouring* I remember there was once I tried this chocolate with wine filling. It tasted just so fucking awesome!! Well, too bad, there were just a few. My aunt bought them from Australia, and I can't seem to find it till now. *shrugs* but do you know Beryl’s Camior extra fine bittersweet chocolate is easily affordable and yet it taste so goddamn good? Just head to your nearest 7-eleven, check out the counter and this long rectangular black box. It’s just RM2.60!

Well, back to my boring life. Err, no—on second thought, I don’t think my life is boring. *confused* it was really happening. Well, in a wrong way I suppose. It was all jumbled up last month. But fuck it, I'm through. XD All those rubbish about betrayal and disappointments, are things we just have to go through. And though it sounds so damn annoying, “The outside world is more dangerous, Sue Anne. You look at the newspaper! You wait till you start to work! Everyone is trying to eat you!” quote my mother. But of course she didn’t mean the last part literally, but heck its true. What I’ve seen till now is nothing. =.=

With exam approaching, I should focus on my preparations, naturally. But just like everyone, laziness tuning in XD human nature, human nature. Haha…but sometimes I do wish I can have this real life ‘block’ function in MSN Messenger. To block out some…bothersome people, who has caused enough chaos in my pitiful life. And this fraud calls me, “my dear friend”. He probably repeats that in every single sentence he says. Goodness gracious—give me a break. Firstly I'm no more yours, and I am not fucking dear to you, and no, since which decade we were friends?! Go get a life dude, I’ve moved on. =.=

*yawns* seriously, life sucks whenever there is major examination like STPM. I think I need to go and…*disgusted face*…study.

Yeah, study.

Fuck Pengajian Am.

Mood:

Kinky

Cinta Tiada Akhirnya (Jaclyn Victor)

2007-11-08T23:32:00.000+08:00

A/N: This is a song recommended by Dixon, which i eventually found out that it was just incredibly awesome. Give it a try--it touched my heart.

Ku yakin cintaku ini
Tak bisa melangkah pergi
Kaku berdiri di sini
Menanti lafaz kasihmu
Biar kau akui dan aku
Kekasihmu

Gelora asmara tika bersama
Bunga mekar seluruh semestanya
Mimpi indah kita
Bintang berwarna
Janji setia kita
Selama di taman cinta

Cinta tiada akhirnya
Membara kekal ke syurgamu
Tak usah kau raguiku
Sayangku dengarkan kasih
Aku milikmu selamanya
Percayalah

Gelora asmara tika bersama
Bunga mekar seluruh semestanya
Mimpi indah kita
Bintang berwarna
Janji setia kita
Selamanya

Kasih antara kita
Tercipta abadinya
Mungkin memisahkan aku dan dia
Ukir namaku dalam
Cintamu selamanya
Biar semarakkan kasihmu
Selalu

Gelora asmara tika bersama
Bunga mekar seluruh semestanya
Mimpi indah kita
Bintang berwarna
Janji setia kita
Selamanya

Gelora asmara tika bersama
Bunga mekar seluruh semestanya
Mimpi indah kita
Bintang berwarna
Janji setia kita…
Selama di taman cinta…di taman cinta

Mood:

Smittened

The Reason I Cried

2007-11-07T03:00:00.001+08:00

Tears formed can be of any reason. People can cry for every reason. And when you do, a rush of emotion run through your body, as if it was channeled from your veins into your blood arteries and sent directly into your heart. The gush of tears, the heaving chest, the sudden eruption. Who hasn’t felt it before, who actually manage to avoid it at all?

You cry when you feel helpless, when you feel so torn inside, when you think everything is falling apart. Your heart is broken into pieces; your mind doesn’t seem to function. You let emotion wash you over. And that’s when your body takes charge. You cry. You let go.

Sometimes you let it flow quietly. Sometimes you’ve just got to sob. There are even times where you couldn’t control—you break down. You cry, you wail, you hide yourself under your blanket…or you just sit in a corner and bury your face in your hands. The slash made you feel, that poignant pain right there, inside you.

Yes, I do cry like that. I used to cry like this, as if it is the end of the world. But this time, no. It wasn’t painful, nor is it bleeding inside. This time, it is reconcilement. It rebuilds, it heals. I cry because of appreciation and gratitude. You made me understand. You made me realize it wasn’t the end of everything. You reminded me that I won the battle, so I shouldn’t lose to myself.

When it all happens I was so lost. I shut myself out. I build barriers so high that even blocked out the happiness that I deserved. I was afraid of failure. I was afraid of pain. I didn’t want to try again; I just didn’t want to bet. It was cowardice. I thought it will be better to hold on to all the chips I have in hand, rather than betting it all once. For it might double, or I will lose everything—again.

But you ensured me it won't. You relished the pain. You mended the broken heart. You taught me how is it to smile again. And then I learnt to feel the joy life can bring.

I cried. But I wasn’t sad. I was happy that I cried—for these tears shed made me realized:

“When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile.”

Mood:

Resolved

Happy Birthday to Me

2007-11-05T00:29:00.001+08:00

Yeah...pathetic I know.
But I just wanna wish myself: a very happy birthday, Sue.

Time to grow up, look ahead, let the past be the past, strive for your goal (or gold), and smile always.

Ahhh...yes. HAHA...

25 Things I Hope to Do After This Birthday:

Unfortunately, I still have to sit for STPM. Haha…damn the timing. So, I would hope that I can study more. XD because I know I'm simply not doing enough.
So all the following, will be post-examination. Now the very first thing I wanna do after I finish my STPM, is BURN THE FUCKING TEXTBOOKS!!!
Okay…then I will want to swear a chain of very colourful vulgar words at Chemistry and Physics. And then bid my farewell to them. I'm leaving you for business!! Argh, I’ve had enough of Sciences!!
Next will be whacking my brother in his head with his new Form 4 AddMaths book, then stuck my tongue out and say, “Goddamn you, now I’M freeeee~”
Fifth! Go out!! Shopping! Movie! Ice cream! Whatever! Just out of the house!! XD
Bug my dad for a new guitar.
Search for scholarships and suitable courses.
Resume my very big writing project of Disguised Ambiguity. ><
Finish the short story of “Journal”.
Sign up for vocal training classes.
Go back to KL, meet all my old, precious friends.
Attend my primary school gathering.
Sleep A LOT.
Go to William’s with eMamakers.
Go jam with Faiz.
Watch Heroes.
Bug my dad again for the damned guitar.
Celebrate brother’s birthday.
Celebrate Chun How’s birthday.
Celebrate my own birthday again. XD well, hey!! It’s not fair isn’t!? My birthday is right at the eve of everyone’s finals!
Makeover for my hair.
Learn those troublesome cyber codes for eMamak.
Swimming!!!
Learn how to not blink in 20 seconds.
I really want that new guitar. *grin*

Mood:

Joy

Sue Rambles

2007-11-02T02:34:00.001+08:00

I’m bored. Okay, it might seem to be the lamest starter ever, but heck, I AM bored. Have been fiddling around a lot. Posting every single replies to the thread I came across in eMamak, chatting with people in my contact list that I don’t chat at all for like 2 years, messing around in Facebook…my goodness sue. STPM is fucking around the corner. Hell, it is just lurking at the corner and is watching for any opportunity to strike and ambush you. And you are not asleep yet.

This will be the first not-so-formal-post in this blog. First I love to write. Fanfictions of course. But my inspiration kind of dried off for like…2 months already. Because of what, I don’t know. *silence* Okay okay… I think I know the reason. It’s just that I love to live in denial.

Heck, I lived in denial for like—one and a half year? You have no idea what kind of emotions combo I’ve had in these few weeks. Anger, hurt, disappointment, gratitude, lost, sorrow, uncertainty, frustration, fear…hatred. These turmoil of emotions are deranging. When it attacks, you feel so overwhelmed that you feel sick. You get so frustrated and emotional like you wanna kick the wall. (Yes I know that hurts, which is the only thing prevented me from doing so.)

I’ve seen many different faces in just a few weeks. The true colours of people around me. Apparently, what you see is not always what you get. And what you give can never weigh the same as what you will have. See, life is just—unfair. If you give all your heart to anyone, to those gullible people outside, never do that. If you are lucky—very very lucky, you get a person who will know just how to take care of your pity heart. Well, if you just have a tad bit of luck, people take your heart, smile and say thank you, then leave it to rot. If you are just like anyone out there with an average level of luck, to the wrong hands you land your heart with, be prepared. Be prepared to get your heart ripped into pieces by their filthy bare hands. In the process, they take away hope, faith, and your balance in life.

I'm whining too much, really. Yes I know, there are people would have been through worse. And it wouldn’t be fair to say that what I’ve been through was totally terrible. At least, among all the things I’ve lost, I gain things that I knew have always belonged to me. It was just because I lived in denial. I abandoned such wonderful things.

My freedom, my smile, my maturity, my true friends. (Shit, it sounded so goddamn corny. And Sue does not write corny shit.)

Anyway, I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone that has expressed their sincere concern towards me. I’m coping fine; I'm living my life like I’ve never breath before. I'm back to my old self—and guys, I'm home.

Mood:

Thankful

The Trouble With Love Is

2007-10-30T01:10:00.001+08:00

Love can be a many splendor thing
Can't deny the joy it brings
A dozen roses, diamond rings
Dreams for sale and fairy tales
It'll make you hear a symphony
And you just want the world to see
But like a drug that makes you blind
It'll fool you every time

Now I was once a fool, it's true
I played the game by all the rules
But now my world's a deeper blue
I'm sadder, but I'm wiser too
I swore I'd never love again
I swore my heart would never mend
Said love wasn't worth the pain
But then I hear it call my name

Every time I turn around
I think I've got it all figured out
My heart keeps calling and I keep on falling
Over and over again
This sad story always ends the same
Me standing in the pouring rain
It seems no matter what I do
It tears my heart in two

The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It's stronger than your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn't care how fast you fall
And you can't refuse the call
See, you got no say at all

Mood:

Grey

What's Life All About

2007-10-27T23:34:00.001+08:00

What is life all about? Now you must have come across some mushy and corny kind of writings where life is wonderful, its all sunshine rose and ice cream. Well, yes, it is when your life is under a warm sun, beside a rose garden and opposite of ice cream parlor. So under various circumstances, life won't be easy as you won't be able to fulfill all the above requirements.

No, please do not regard me as partially retarded or temporarily gone mad. It meant figuratively okay…though I quite agree that having an ice cream parlor right opposite is bliss. So what’s life all about?

Life—is about treachery. Oh yes, do not be too surprised. Take a look around and you will be able to recognize all the signs of tricks your mates and rivals set up for you. But first of all why do people choose to live in pretense but reality? It’s logical, really, simply because no one can survive if they don’t act. It is human nature to always try to compare themselves with others. But do not forget the key element—jealousy. Or rather, selfishness fits too. When people find out that others are better, they work to ‘upgrade’ themselves. It’s a known fact that upgrading yourself sometimes can be so tiring and cumbersome. And hence, because of human’s habit to deceit and cheat all the way to go for an easier route, they ‘downgrade’ other people instead of ‘upgrading’ themselves. To be simple, this act is defined as back stab.

Do not look down on these people. I refer them as, “smart ass”. They are smart because they used the easiest and the most effortless way to get what they want. And they are all asses because it was so unethical :P. And so when others seem worse, they’ll be in a better light.

When there is a positive, there must be a negative. As in, when there are smart asses, there will be dumb asses. They are separated into two leads. One, are those who got stabbed and still regard the stabber as friend. And two, are those who believe the stabbers. Believe it or not the world is a cycle. Everyone takes each role at least once. So don’t be too sad or too proud to be either one because either way you are still an ass. =P

Quote Captain Jack Sparrow, “To fight pirates you must first be a pirate.” I find this sentence so true. The only way to fight smart asses is to be another smart ass. This is the basic survival skills that God gave us. So when everyone around is cheating, there is no need to be a hypocrite to pretend to be all holy and noble. Therefore, this is the reason I generalize that life, is indeed about treachery.

So the moral of the story is, watch Pirates of Caribbean because Captain Jack Sparrow is always right.

Savvy?

Mood:

Neutral